I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me. What's another word for "thesaurus"? When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving. When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, "Cut it out!" I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that." I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ." I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out. I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add. I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it. I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. My school colors were clear. I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter. I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing. When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!" My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it." I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time." My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories . There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there? Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday". I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer. I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read." It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out. I'm a peripheral visionary. I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O. Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas? The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year." Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? So, what's the speed of dark? After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? How come abbreviated is such a long word? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?" Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? I woke up the other day and discovered that someone stole all my furnature and replaced it with exact duplicates. I told my buddy about it and he said, "Do I know you?" When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going to be out that long.'. My girlfriend has a queen size bed, but I have a court jester size bed. It curls up at the end and has bells on it. My girl friend asked me if I slept ok. I told her no, I made a couple mistakes. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". I like to tease my plants by watering them with ice cubes. I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy... I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? I picked up the phone to make a call and said, "Is Joey there?" "Yes." "Can I talk to him?" "No." "Why Not?" "Because he's only 2 months old." "Ok, I'll wait." I lost a button hole. Where am I going to get a button hole?
